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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
For those of you who will listen... I've been Autistic as far back as I can remember, and this has made life difficult for me. I started writing back in 2014, and back then people loved what I wrote fics about. But now? It's all hate towards me for doing what I want to do and not catering to them. It just feels like free will is frowned upon, I'm looked down upon because I think differently than other people. So I've decided to leave Fimfiction and write my stories elsewhere, it's just too much to handle. Fanfiction.net is better for me, since people keep to themselves, and it's made me more comfortable. Right now, I will only allow people who are respectful and will try and help me through a story to proofread my fics. All the abuse I have suffered is making me feel like what I do doesn't even matter to anyone, and often left me in tears. When will people realize that I have a slow learning curve when it comes to grammar? So to those who know me on FimFiction, I say goodbye... I will only keep my unpublished stories there, and answer any PM's I might get; it's all I can really do at this point in my life. If any of you are interested in being an editor for one of my stories, please PM me on this site, I really need help.
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
SMART ASS ANSWERS according to Reader's Digest: Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." Smart Ass Answer #4: A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." Smart Ass Answer #3: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Smart Ass Answer #2: A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." Smart Ass Answer #1: A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Yesterday I had a huge argument with my brother, it was 2pm in the afternoon. I was tired and felt like crap to be honest, he comes into my room and yells at me to get off my bed in such a rude manner. I told him to stop cussing at me and tell me what's going on, but instead he persists and it turns to harsh verbal abuse, I end up upset and say this unintentionally: "It's not my fault you have kids." He takes it as me being serious, when I was only being sarcastic. Next thing I know, we're both going at it. My mother stops him, and I'm literally crying because of it. After that, we both calm down, and he finally says: "I do love you, but I don't hate you, you have to learn some respect." He had a really bad way of showing it. I have a moderate case of AS, and he knows that I get over sensitive, yet he ignored it. We go out to pay the rent, and once we're out of mother's sight, he becomes a loose canon and resumes to abuse me through verbal assault. I go through enough without him making me the punching bag for his own issues. I thought I would have to defend myself with how aggressive he was towards me, he had no right to say those forbidden words(yes, we call it that). After he left, I was a mess of tears, my mother felt how sad I was and offered me a soda to calm me down. I just wanted so much to say that I hated him, but I couldn't... I just hope he gets over his anger issues before I have to defend my own mother myself. I have trained in Kajukenbo for 11 years and completed it, so I know how to counter anything he tries. If he ever attacks me, should I fight back or just call the police?
Today I pm'd a RP Help mod, and told him how sensitive I am about my grammar and that sometimes people will insult me instead of helping me out. Now it seems he thinks I meant he was a bad person, and that I said he insulted and disrespected me. This is the general area where I have that trouble, and everyone thinks I'm being toxic or abusing others. If nobody knows yet, I have a moderate spectrum of AS(Asperger's Syndrome), I'm not able to properly write what I mean to say. This tends to get me people mad at me, and I never wanted that at all, What should I do to fix it, I already apologized for what I said. What else can I do?
I love this guy's music so much! An absolute genius
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
The times I will be on are: Mon, Tues, Wed, and Fri: 9am - 5pm Thurs: 9am - 7pm Sat: 9am - 5pm Sun: 12am - 5pm ____________________________________________ These are the club room times when I can get on the PC, but after that, I will be at home watching anime on t.v(On Demand), and won't be able to answer your pms until the club house opens again the next day. But when I get my new pc, I will be able to spend as much time as I like on it at home and have plenty of free time to do whatever. Thanks for understanding. Also I got the news that some people vandalized the club house fitness room, and the hours will be reduced to the normal office hours above. They had wrecked the equipment, broken the windows, and trashed the walls and ceiling. I really have no idea why they did such a thing, but hope the people who did it get caught.
Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving. The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking." The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks. "No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?" "We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."
We all have those moments where we suddenly get a brain fart, and then realize too late what's going on, so here's mine: I have a Dell Latitude D530, and runs Win 8.1. I had been playing a console game for an hour or so, and wanted to bring up my browser to check something out. But when I clicked it, nothing appeared. So after about 30 mins, I realized something, I had forgotten that I had extended my screen to my tv. I couldn't believe it, I felt so embarrassed that I just started laughing at myself for not realizing it sooner. Mother thought I had lost it when she heard me, and asked if I was alright. It was just one of those days I will never let down.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
