Woona's blog

In making this post I went back through some VMs between my ex and his friend, trying to find when our relationship had ended. I can't believe it's already been half a year. I happened across the first post my ex had made in reference to having broken up with me and read through a little bit... bringing back the terrible memories of our split. I grew interested in him as I read a fanfic he had written, he was a wonderfully creative person and I loved that as I myself don't have the drive to do much anything creative.

So our friendship deepened over time and I found myself romantically interested in him, before which I had always considered myself totally straight... which is what led to our downfall. We decided to start a relationship... I should mention in case it's not clear at this point that we only knew each other online through EqF, and would talk regularly on skype. Over the course of our friendship/relationship, he developed a tulpa, quite interestingly by accident. The three of us spent a lot of time chatting with each other (they switched their username on skype to indicate who was talking) and I couldn't imagine losing the closeness we had.

At several points during our relationship, I mentioned interest in ending up with a girl eventually, fantasizing about being best men at each other's weddings and stuff related to us being together. It's clear to me now that I had simply been clinging to some sort of hope of being straight while still caring about him more than anything, but he couldn't go on thinking I'd leave him the minute I find interest in a girl. Apparently he had spent many nights with his tulpa, upset by those thoughts.

During our time together, his abilities concerning interacting with his tulpa developed, more and more, and while I wanted to be there for both of them, they did a lot of stuff without me, and looking back I feel my ex had been putting more focus into his tulpa than on our relationship. By the time we broke up, he had developed a second tulpa and started a third, the second of which I only got to speak with a couple times and the third of whom I don't believe I ever got to speak with at all.

... at this point I think it's my fault he had to create more tulpas at all. I made him feel empty, worthless, that I didn't truly love him, and he needed to get rid of that emptiness. As time went on and it became clear we couldn't ever go back to being friends, I can't help but think that his tulpas have changed him, that he's no longer the man I loved, and it's all my own fault... I hurt him so much that he tore himself apart more than he already had been, and I remain haunted by fears that I'll hurt anyone else I grow close to.